Sometimes I’m really confused by some things.
For YEARS, before I was on my meds, nighttime was hell for me. I couldn’t be home alone. I felt constantly watched, and hunted. Every bump and creak made me cry. I would lay in bed, curled up under the covers, and I would shake and stay as completely still as I could because I felt like I was being stalked by a demon and that it was playing a game with me.
In this game, if I moved more than an inch or so from my position, the demon would kill me. This was never explicitly stated, but somehow I just knew. And I would hear it walking around my bed, and breathing, and sometimes laughing. And if I paid close attention and was very still, I would feel it breathing on me through the sheets. The air would get unbelievably heavy and I could feel my blankets pressing down around my legs.
Sometimes he (I don’t know why, but I always felt it was a he) would fabricate horrible sounds to scare me. Sometimes they were almost innocent, like a bell ringing. Once, he made the sound of someone screaming. Horrible, blood-curtling screaming like someone was being gutted alive. For hours and hours. He controlled all of it and every night that this happened, all I could do was lay there in a ball and accept the fact that I was going to die.
And I would have dreams. He would come into them, disguised as people I loved. I could always tell it was him because of the eyes. Something was always slightly off about their eyes, or they were missing altogether.
I’ve been remembering this while having my withdrawals, because I started feeling paranoid again.
But I’m really concerned and confused, because while anxiety can make things worse, they sure as hell don’t explain THAT. I feel like GAD might not exactly cover everything that’s going on. THat’s why I was misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder before.
Someone with straight anxiety disorder should NOT have strong reoccuring hallucinations. But yet I don’t meet the qualifications for a schizotypal disorder either.
SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???